Shirley Combs and the mystery of the Size Fourteen Hook, 

The Fir Tree and the Broken Telescope.

Recorded by his diligent and admiring friend Doctor What’s on.

‘I am entrusted by my friend Mr Shirley Combs to record his remarkable successes of detection.  Always provided of course that I do not exagerrate his powers, which he himself regards as no more than common sense, or impute to him any romantic associations of any sort.  Being of a more liberal frame of mind  I cannot of course make the latter promise in respect of myself.

Poor Mrs Hudson had incurred the wrath of the eminent sleuth in rattling the tea things as she cleared the table. He had been deep in thought examining a cracked ebony cigarette holder.

'Did you break this Mrs Hudson?' He asked.

'I'm sure I don't know Sir, what with you leaving things all over the floor, anyway you're supposed to be the great detective you tell me who done it and if you can invent silent cups and saucers we'll have them, if not, you can clear things away yourself. Will that be all?'

‘Yes thank-you.’  He said curtly, but not too curtly as flats with two men sharing are not that easy to come by.

‘I’m exasperated Johnnie.’ He said.  I hope I may, with your permission dear reader, at last reveal my full name. Having done so, I will return to patronising my illustrious partner. 

‘That’s for ordinary mortals my dear.’ I replied. ‘I have no doubt you will win through Everard.’  You may be shocked as I also divulge the first name of this most wonderful man but I need to place on record that Shirley is quite obviously not his Christian name. It is a family name which he has been obliged to use as a fortunate legatee.  

‘Johnnie.’ He said. ‘Myrtle Ponsonby-Smythe of number eight, The Council Houses, was in some distress when she came here, as you yourself saw. Incidentally I think your consoling nearly went too far. I get quite jealous, purely because of our professional respect for one another you understand, when I see you pat women.’

I said nothing. I had not enjoyed patting this fat lady but if I had made him a little jealous, no harm in that.

‘The poor little creature,’  He continued. I had estimated sixteen stone. ‘has lost this year already, three parking permits. If it were a quick and simple procedure for their replacement I would not have taken the case, but it is not Johnnie. They “kick up a fuss up the Council” to quote the lady.

The first one went missing after she lent it to her boyfriend Wayne for a short period. The second was not to be found after she and her intimates had been ‘clubbing’. That was a very late night if you remember Johnnie-bags.’ I hated him calling me these silly names for there was no stopping him when he once started.

‘The disappearance of the third permit is as mysterious as if a poltergeist were at work.  It is in the car when she goes to work pricing up the plastic toys in the warehouse of “Quidland”. We must remember that she drops off little Sean at the minders and picks him up again. When she gets home the permit is gone.’

‘I think I can explain these mysteries in my own poor blundering way.’ He said. He loved fake self-deprecation.

‘When she was here Johnnie-poos, you remember she took her shoes off because her feel swell up.  I noticed that embedded in the composition rubber sole was a size fourteen fishing hook with a small amount of trace. Do you know what that is for?’

‘Catching fish.’ I said, at a venture.

He laughed, and as he was walking up and down just flicked his fingers gently under my chin in passing.

‘Specifically.’ He said. ‘Catching small fish, typically roach, whether for pike bait or simply for the sport, in this case we don’t know.  Remember she lent a permit to Wayne.  The river, in the City, passes the end of two streets which are permit parking only. Wayne’s car, in which she came as I noticed it from the window, is a white Transit Van. I also noticed that on the dashboard against the window is a pile of paper. Lottery cards and Sun newspapers. If the permit was placed on top of them it would no doubt slide off onto the floor of the passenger compartment.’

This was a brilliant piece of deduction but it did not explain its disappearance. Surely Wayne could just have picked it up. I must have looked confused as dear Everard smiled at me and went on.

‘My own Johnnie-jons.  Wayne will own a fishing box.  He had no companion that day. So he would stand it on the floor in front of the passenger seat.  The river bank by the two streets I have mentioned is very muddy, much fishing is done there.  The ‘swims’ are very muddy patches indeed. Wayne sits on the box to fish. The bottom of the box becomes covered in mud. When he puts it back in the van, the permit, which by now is on the floor as we have shown, sticks to the bottom of his box and is removed with it and even now is still there adhering to his box, or on the floor of his shed, or between the wood-yard, where he parks his van, and his house, two hundred yards away.  Blown and rained to kingdom come.’

I was astounded. ‘That’s fantastic I said, how could you guess all that?’

He smiled indulgently. ‘Guess.’ He said. ‘It is as near fact as a certain surmise can be. However unusual this loss might seem, once we have ruled out the impossible, the unlikely chance becomes the reality. Alimentary My Dear What’s-On.’

‘Elementary I think you mean.’ I said. ‘Alimentary is the digestive tract.’

‘Well you can say I “tract” it down can’t you.’ He said giving that high pitched slightly feminine laugh of his.

 ‘What about the other permits and the Fir Tree. I don’t think anybody’s got a fir tree.’ I said.

‘The Fir Tree. Ah yes.  This had me puzzled for a while I must admit. You will remember the second permit went missing when Myrtle and her friends were “clubbing” as they call it.  I ascertained that they dined during the evening, in the car, fish and chips. You know what fish and chips do Johnsy don’t you?’  It was a rhetorical question which he answered at once.  ‘They smell.’ He said. ‘They smell quite a lot, especially if doused in vinegar. You will remember I asked if they get petrol. They did. When I asked if she had bought a new air freshener for the car, and she had,  I thought even you would explain this mystery. The old air-freshener was laid on top of the dashboard, and the permit was also. When you have a new air freshener you throw away the old.  She said to her friend Sharon as they were going to the ‘Diamonds’ night club. “Throw away that old air thing there” waving vaguely at the dash. Sharon ejected the parking permit from the window with no more ado and I will wager there is a both a new and an old air freshener in Ms Ponsonby-Smyth’s car as we speak.’

I was lost in admiration. Not only for his deductive powers but for the way his dark hair was layered at the back into the nape of his neck.

‘I will ask you to explain the loss of the third permit and the broken telescope. It is very simple.’ He said.

I was flustered and blurted out. ‘Please, Everard. I have no idea, no one can have any idea of the link between the two.’

‘On the contrary my Darling Johnie-Gee-Gee.’ He said. ‘Remember the small boy Sean and he is left every day with a child minder. He will be given a number of presents no doubt.  Myrtle works at ‘Quidland’ we recall.  I have been to the aforesaid ‘Quidland’.  An eye-opener I can assure you my own J. It’s speciality is cheap plastic toys at one pound each.  I asked for a telescope.  One was produced and I purchased it. I have it in my pocket here.  Please examine it.’

I took the yellow plastic telescope from his long sensitive fingers and it seemed typical of a cheap three draw garish childs telescope.

‘I don’t see what it’s got to do with a parking permit, I’m blessed if I do.’ I said.

He took it from me, and by inverting it, by gravity alone, it shut itself up. The tolerances were so great, the gaps so big between the sections, it bent like a yellow banana. But he had not explained the connection and at this juncture………

there was a knock at the door. Mrs Hudson ushered in Ms Myrtle Ponsonby-Smythe. She tried to shake hands but Combs offered her only cool finger tips.

‘It was there Mr Combs.’ She said. ‘It was there just like you said. Oh they make a terrible fuss up the Council and I’ve had to go twice already what with our Wayne, now I’ve got it back I’ll look after it. You ‘aint ‘arf clever, however did you know it was in the telescope?’

‘You may congratulate Sean,’ Said Shirley Combs, ‘At his tender years he used his initiative. He could make no use of the telescope you gave him in the as a present because it was so loose and would  not stay in one position.   He found the nearest piece of cardboard, the parking permit, folded it and wedged it down the side of the telescope where I’ve no doubt you have just found it.’

 Ms Myrtle P-S could only gaze in wonderment at my friend and say again and again, until Mrs Hudson showed her out. ‘Oo, you are wonderful, oo, you are wonderful.

I got up and placed my hand where his dark hair shaded into the soft nape of his neck.

‘Oo, you are wonderful.’ I said.