Past Regrets are Present Pleasures.

The essence of this foible of human nature, which seems very satisfying to the practitioners, is to deeply regret an act of omission or commission, for which there is no prospect of remedy.  It is an odd trait, and since it is pointless, you would think it is very rare.  Not a bit of it, I have met many an expert.

When I say they deeply regret failing to do something until it’s too late, the regret is of a special sort.  You see, if someone actually likes to blame themselves after the event, a painless self-mortification, then the sorrow is not unmixed with a sort of pleasure.  A gloat of  ‘I know this was a failing, oh dear, I failed and that’s it. There’s nothing I can do about it now of course.  I’d give anything to if I could but that’s impossible now. Oh dear.’

‘Impossible now’.  There’s the key. If the omission involved giving support or money to someone poorer, or lifts to work, or similar, as soon as it becomes impossible, i.e. the disadvantaged moves away, or dies, then the regret costs nothing and is not inconvenient.  Sufficient mortification will almost seem to substitute for the money or time that was withheld when it was possible.

The paeon of self-denigration can be expanded and the harder it bears on the act-omitter the more satisfaction seems to be gained. i.e. ‘It would have been so easy. I shouldn’t have missed it. I thought about it a few times and had decided to pitch in next week (month, year).  Now it’s too late. I’ll never forgive myself.’

‘Never forgiving yourself.’ That’s an important ingredient. It’s patently un-smug, it’s the utterance of a great philanthroper who has made a lapse and is not afraid to admit it. The individuals who I am describing may think it admirable that they announce their regret for failing to do a good deed when they could have.  So it is, but as soon as it is divulged to anyone else, it is to seek approbation, to gain merit by this revelation, of a lapse in what we are supposed to believe is as charitable and helpful a nature as we have ever met.  It is also often done to reveal hitherto unsuspected depths of helpfulness, i.e. ‘I’d have cut Charlie’s hedge, and even have cut his dinner up if I’d known how bad his arm really was.’ ‘I’d have willingly taken Mrs Prendergast to outpatients if only she’d have asked. The crutches just didn’t seem to register. I’ll never forgive myself.’  ‘We’ve never got on but I wouldn’t have seen old Reg go without his baccy if I had known.’  You see that this placebo of regret extends to friend and non-friend alike.

You never find the ‘regretter’ saying, before it is too late. ‘I bet Old Mrs Prendergast will be going in a home soon. She has a terrible job getting about. Mrs Baines says she is going to outpatients again tomorrow. Pity she hasn’t got anybody to give her a lift.  I’d do it myself but I’m painting the garden gnomes.’

There is an old saying about what can’t be cured must be endured. Quite so, and this means not telling all and sundry about it at every opportunity.